Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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