You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
