JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
