We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
