I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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