Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
