Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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