His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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