and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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