please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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