Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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