Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
