I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
