Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
