Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And then my night got REAL pukey
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
