I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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