i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
