Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
