it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
