I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize