Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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