yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't put those talents on a resume
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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