operation harelip BJ is a go
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
