I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
