I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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