Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
