Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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