The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
me + whiskey = a bad person
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize