what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
