"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
