it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
