y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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