Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
