The police scanner is talking about you again....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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