i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
