she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
