I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude i'm inner monologue high
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
