im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
