I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
