You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
