Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
