I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
