shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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