So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
