I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
