just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
