I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize