apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
