i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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