Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
