I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
