The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
