I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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