There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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