Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
