Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
