You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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