I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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