there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Your penis caused this!
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