she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
