highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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