i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize